Teaching Tweens to Fish

Tweens are at a particular age, hovering between the longed-for independence of older adolescence and the hands-on nurturing younger children need. Wild swings in their maturity levels can lead their families to wonder, how much should I be teaching my child “to fish?” How much fish should I be providing?” Parents may worry, will my child EVER be able to manage chores/projects/keep track of their belongings on their own?

The most significant change that eight-to-twelve-year-olds experience during this stage is the development of meta-cognition, or the ability to think about their own thinking. This can lead to perceptive self-reflection skills as well as anxiety-inducing levels of self-consciousness. Puberty starts during this age range too, adding a layer of swirling hormones. It’s also noteworthy that children with ADHD may take 3-5 years longer than their peers to develop organizational, planning, and impulse-control skills associated with age benchmarks.

What can parents do to support their children during this stage of development? Two phrases will come in handy: “Let’s break it down” and “Can you tell me more about why you think that?” Breaking up tasks that require stamina and using metacognition are powerful tools for tweens to take forward into young adulthood.

Breaking down laborious work into manageable chunks paves a tween’s way toward completion and success. Whether a middle schooler needs to complete a project for science class or clean their room, they’re not likely to have the patience and skills to initiate and finish the task on the first try. Students will need to review rubrics or examples of projects provided by their teachers. Is there a checklist for the project? Is there a little bit that can be completed each day during the homework routine?

Kids will also need help visualizing the final product. If their room feels like a disaster area, they can meet with you to make a list of where dirty and clean clothes, dishes, trash, and personal items should be placed. You can ask them which parts they wish to complete on which day as part of a cleaning campaign that takes place in small bursts of time.

They will need help estimating the time frame of starting and stopping. When their energy starts to flag, use a timer to give them a 10-minute break. Then, have them work for another 10-15 minutes. Make sure that they have a watch or an elapse timer to track the time. Sharing feedback reinforces progress: “Wow, I would have had no idea how to tackle that project, but you’ve knocked out three requirements in just ten minutes a day. I’m impressed that you managed your time so well.”  

Using open-ended questions is another way to promote independence. This frame for reflection promotes metacognition. A casual conversation during the drive to soccer practice can create an opening for an adolescent to share a process that works for them. A grown-up could start out with an observation after the recent room clean-up: “I noticed that you cleaned up your markers at your desk. You found places for all of the projects and materials piled on top of your desk,” and then shift into, “How did you decide what to leave out and what to put in the drawers?” This can lead to a conversation about how the tween prioritizes their materials and, as a result of this prioritization, organizes their belongings.

Circling back to the conversation about prioritization can transfer skills across experiences. After the middle schooler’s latest frantic search for a charger or game day gear has settled down a grown-up can return to the idea of prioritization. “How stressed out are you when you can’t find this item? If it’s such a priority, how can you create a system to keep track of it?” Validating a tween’s frustrations can go a long way toward furthering mature reflection: “You’re not alone. I’ve misplaced all kinds of important stuff. It drives me crazy when I can’t find the car keys. Once, I was really late to . . . Currently, I’m using a system where I always put the keys on the hook by the door.” 

These conversations are the scaffolding that supports tweens on their way to increasing autonomy and strong organizational skills for managing irksome tasks. Bit by bit, parents and mentors in a tween’s life support them “learning to fish” instead of providing chargers, cleats, and the complete oversight of the science project from start to finish. Much to the relief of everyone involved.

Special thanks to L. Harrison and Max for the photo!